Happy Birthday to Me

This is me in my last frontal nudity shot

Forty two, that is how old I am today. My kids think I am ancient my friends think I've still got a ways to go.  I think that for the first time ever in 42 year I am exactly where I want to be.

That is a very strange feeling best explained perhaps by how I used to feel. I used to feel like I was never going to grow up, that I was never going to grasp the responsibilities and nuances of adulthood. I harboured an innate understanding that I was not real in my life. That my friends and family were doing 'grown up' with a capability that I simply did not process. Even standing in the middle of my own living room surrounded by my life, home, furnishings, bills, husband and kids tugging at my pant legs I always held the feeling inside that I was an impostor, a little kid playing grown-up. Feeling like somebody else was surly better suited for the job. I have spent a great deal of my adult life wondering when I was going to grow up.

I wondered  a lot about those women who walk with great confidence and reach out to people they know and strangers alike. What did their parents do to instill such poise and command in them and how can I teach that to my own children. I want them to grow up to be those people comfortable enough in their own skin to wear their hearts on the outside regardless of the opinion of others. I want to be that person. I have spend 42 years wondering if that will ever be me, if I will ever be comfortable, confident and unafraid. How long does it take to develop an appreciation of yourself?

It has taken me 42 years.

To arrive at that place I thought belonged to everybody else, I am finally feeling empowered and deserving of the life other grown ups are enjoying. I am growing faith in a place where fear used to be, understanding where there was only inadequacy and sharing my joy outwardly instead of believing that I am not big enough to make a difference in the world.

I am going to celebrate my birthday today for the first time ever. It took some time, 42 years to be exact but I made it  to my own party. Pour me a drink and turn up the music this is going to be fun.

...and I know what to say to my kids now... Be patient.

Have a happy Friday everyone! Gratitude, Hope and Smiles are meant to be shared,
Michelle

Meet the Four Leggers!

Kids are listening, always listening, and they will hold you to what they hear! In the spring we talked about bringing animals back into the house after losing our beloved Zipper over the winter. At the time, no one was ready for a new pet, our family commitments were not conducive and my nerves felt a little weak for the adventure. So I moved the issue to the 'parking lot' with one simple statement..."We won't be getting any animals until after we return from our summer holiday." This was a good choice of wording, it left everyone believing that their animal preference was still under consideration, it gave everyone a precise window of time before the topic would be re-addressed, and it stopped my ears bleeding from the incessant 'pet pitching'

We enjoyed a few months free of the pet discussion and a wonderful holiday. Driving on the return from our 10 days of glorious R&R the question was posed..."When can we get our pets?" uugghhhh! They heard me. I said after holidays and well, it's after holidays, time to pay the piper.

Computers began buzzing with pet searches and research. Conversations about when heated up. A cat was found and the search for dogs intensified.

Sometimes, you only have to desire something, and life finds away to bring you to it or rather it to you. A Friend at work needed a new home for 2 of her older puppies and well, that seems like a coincidental fit doesn't it?

So we landed here, a family of 5 increased by 2 dogs and 1 cat. Here they are....



"Cooper" the energetic



"Clara" the camera shy

"Mortimer" the terror. (Mike has nic-named him Morsel)

Funny things happen when you commit to adding a couple of dogs and a cat to your family. Your house smells funny. People space is crowded out by pet beds, toys and dishes. Your house smells funny. You have to keep the bathroom door shut all the time and your house smells funny.

Something else happens when the animals arrive; kids suddenly can't hear you anymore.

Family gratitude today for our new furry 4 legged members.

Spend some moment everyday in reflection of gratitude and happiness. Even if the time found is standing in line for coffee...use is wisely.

Michelle


Did this post brighten your day? make you smile? If so I'd be ever so grateful if you shared it on Facebook or Twitter. Someone else might be in need of a smile - Thanks!

Once I Ruled the World

I used to be fantastic! Don't laugh, it's true. There was once a time when I made the world go-round. Granted the world was small, but I ruled it magically. I was the queen of playdough and silly songs and playground coolness. With a single word I could make everything right with the world, ridding it of monsters and bullies and sadness. There was even a time when I used to have the answers to some of life's toughest questions.

In just a few short years my reign has come to an end.  Now the most magical thing I can produce is a ride to the mall. The only answers I have are incorrect and the only thing I can make right is spaghetti.

How does that happen? I'll tell you...

First we teach kids how to talk, then they learn to talk back. We teach them to explore their world and they learn that there is more out there than we can offer them. We teach them to stand up for themselves, and they stand up against us. We teach them to make choices but we never suspect that they will choose things we don't agree with. We ask them to be responsible and they don't need us so much anymore. We tell them to grow up, and they do.

Knowing all of this doesn't make a bit of difference. The job of a parent is to teach people not to need you anymore. You still have to encourage them to speak, to explore, to be strong, thoughtful and responsible. You still have to teach them to grow up. (Despite how painful those teen years are going to prove to be.)

I have discovered that as you become less and less fantastic you need to have some sanity saving strategies.

I'm not going to lie...

• I use country music like garlic. I play it loud. It keeps everyone out of my hair long enough to get the housework done.
• I creep facebook pages and twitter posts. With my online urban dictionary bookmarked I can almost figure out just how much discomfort I'm dishing out and adjust accordingly.
• I listen to people with little children fret and complain and in my mind I reminisce about the days when my troubles were small and I ruled the world. (FYI that grin on my face is is more Cheshire cat than 'isn't that cute', if you only knew what you're in for)
• I weep. I don't cry, crying is for babies. Weeping is the battle song of those enduring inevitable adversity. (just a note here; they know they bring you to tears but they must not know when, weep in private)
• I have a safe room, a place I go to rant or weep. Lately the garage has been my safe room. Michael's motorcycle is there, so is Michael. We are a team...this is our situation room. (just a note here; ranting is a good tool to use openly on occasion, it keeps everyone on their toes, be the ticking time bomb)
• Perhaps my most effective strategy is to let Michael take one for the team. I let him be the bad guy, he knows I'm going to throw him under the bus and he's good with that (like he has a choice) We talked about this a long time ago. I did the labour and delivery thing, his sacrifice here might just make us even. 'Even' is going to be important if we are going to enjoy staring at each other in an empty house not many years from now.

I know that the teenage years are the final push that will present us with fabulous adults to share time and conversation with. I just want to laugh along the way. I don't want to wait until after because well, truth be told I'm not convinced I'm going to come out with enough marbles to remember what I wanted to laugh about. I'm also a little afraid that it might be like childbirth and I might forget everything.

If you are still fabulous and the ruler of the world...soak it in! If you are no longer fabulous and in the heat of battle...chin-up, fist bump, fist bump, boooyahh...you can do this! (we can do this? can't we?) If you are on the other side enjoying your adults...do share...what got you there? what was your best strategy?



Spend some moment everyday in reflection of gratitude and happiness. Even if the time found is standing in line for coffee...use is wisely.


Michelle


Did this post brighten your day? make you smile? If so I'd be ever so grateful if you shared it on Facebook or Twitter. Someone else might be in need of a smile - Thanks!

Post 1 of the next 100

The Space Between Raindrops celebrated a milestone...check Post 100! if you missed it.

It's been a day off work and a day getting ready for the next season.

Michael took down the Christmas lights. I swapped out the front door basket, gone are the mitts and hats. I did really well this year actually, I matched up gloves and mittens and only stored the pairs. Usually I dump the basket into the storage bin without a care and put it on the shelf. That works ok until October, when a freak snow storm hits and I resort to sending E-man to school in one red magic mit and a purple one. Next fall is going to be SWEET! Winter accessories stored Martha Stewart style I loaded the basket with ball-caps, skipping ropes and street hockey balls. 

Also on the list was the ice rink. Hours of fun melted away weeks ago. Mike dismantled the boards and folded the tarp for storage, carefully labeling the pieces so that next year we don't stand in the backyard trying to desperately remember how it all came together.


From This





To This

 

The street is officially crawling with kids. Kids on skateboards and rip-sticks, kids playing street-hockey, basketball and an asphalt version of soccer. More kids came out of winter storage than I remember counting at the end of the outdoor season. Michael is practicing for outdoor activities as well. He's perfecting his smash on the Wii and I am very afraid, as are Lula's friends, that we might all be in trouble.




The return. Watch Out Brandon!!! I told you not to sit there!

 

There are of course remnants of the chilly season. Winter coats are hanging in the closet still, one string of lights was missed on the front porch and the cover has not been removed from the air conditioner. All things that will change in time, there is promise for a great new season. There are buds on the rosebush and green tips of hosta are pushing through the soil, the geese are flying in the right direction and I am hopeful that I could wash the car without it being coated in salt before it dries.

Gratitude today for the promise of great things to come including spring, a tennis match and an easy transition back into winter when the time comes.


Spend some moment everyday in reflection of gratitude and happiness. Even if the time found is standing in line for coffee...use is wisely.


Michelle


Did this post brighten your day? make you smile? If so I'd be ever so grateful if you shared it on Facebook or Twitter. Someone else might be in need of a smile - Thanks!

How Did We Get Here?

Every once in a while I pull into the driveway, switch off the engine, reach for the door handle, glance up at the house and think; How did I get here? I don't mean How did I get here, as in the grand cosmic-esk question of existence and praise of good fortune. I mean "How did I get here? I don't remember the stop lights, the left turn, right turn, left turn. I don't remember my daily romantic traffic interlude with Audi-man. I'm not even sure if I obeyed road rules and speed limits." This is when I check my rear-view for the officer who must be pulled in behind me blocking my escape route.

This really does happen and not just to me! A great number of people arrive home daily via 'autopilot'.
Knowing we share the road is not comforting.

So when I have those moments I realize that my mind must have been on things more complicated than driving. Issues related to the cosmic-esk version of the question "How did i get here?"

I opened a drawer the other day and found a tiny picture. It stopped me in my tracks. It occurred to me that the 'arrival' phenomenon is not exclusive to driving in my life. This is what I found...(I've paired it with it's current counter part)

KJ then & now

I starred at it and asked the cosmic-esk version of the question "How did we get here?"
A word of caution, you may want to avoid the roads in the area where I live. I still have places to go but as you can probably figure out from the picture, I have alot on my mind and none of it is about driving. I'll be trying to remember the details of our journey.


Spend some moment everyday in reflection of gratitude and happiness. Even if the time found is standing in line for coffee...use is wisely.


Michelle


Did this post brighten your day? make you smile? If so I'd be ever so grateful if you shared it on Facebook or Twitter. Someone else might be in need of a smile - Thanks!

A Rest is as Good as a Change

What a glorious morning! For some unknown (but much appreciated) reason I found myself home this morning. No work, no errands, no appointments, no commitments. The best recollection of the last such event was E-man's H1N1 stint in the fall of '09, I had alot of time on my hands that week.

I was so excited I could hardly sleep last night. No worries, a morning off presents the lovely option of returning to bed for a nap. There is also the option of housework, which is perpetual and undeserving of my precious few hours of downtime. I did fold what laundry was cluttering my bedroom, I walked E-man and his infamous bridge to school. I made coffee, loaded the dishwasher and yakked with my father in-law. I answered the phone 2 or 3 times (answering machines deserve a holiday too) imagine my callers surprise to reach an actual person!

I also dedicated some time to my mental health. A change is as good as a rest they say...and well, since I was resting anyway I figured some change couldn't hurt either.

So I gave The Space Between Raindrops a makeover. What do you think? Go ahead be as honest as you like, I've had the morning off after all and I'm in pretty good humor (this may be your only shot.)

It goes without saying that today my gratitude lies with the scheduler at work, the coffee pot at home and the people who have kept my family occupied while I indulge my mental goodness.

Your Turn. What are you grateful for today?

Spend some moment everyday in reflection of gratitude and happiness. Even if the time found is standing in line for coffee...use is wisely.

Michelle

Did this post brighten your day? make you smile? If so I'd be ever so grateful if you shared it on Facebook or Twitter. Someone else might be in need of a smile - Thanks!

Some Things Never Change

What I get



I was greeted with the empty roll this morning and a great realization.



Our family really has gone through a transformation simply by focusing on what is good in our lives. The exercise of acknowledging outwardly those things that we are grateful each day has dramatically improved the air in our home.

It's been almost a year of sharing around the table. In the beginning there was a lot of "I don't know" answers. There were a lot of "Nothing!" answers. We spent a lot of extra time at the table waiting for everyone to sift through their bad day to unearth a tidbit of goodness. In the very beginning I accepted answers like..."we're having spaghetti for dinner" and "I don't have math class all day long." It was painful really. Every night I asked for the gratefuls I was overcome with the horrible feeling of failure. I think I was shocked, being confronted with the actual level of negativity in our home hurt. I couldn't believe it was really that difficult for five individuals to find something to be grateful for. After all we live in a comfortable home in a safe neighbourhood. We have enough to eat and we try to be supportive and loving in our home. I almost abandoned the project. 



The Goal

I'm grateful that I pushed through. After those first few weeks the Gratefuls began to shift. We began hearing things like "I have good Friends." and "Dad can play road hockey with me." The tide was turning and the project began to feel good.

9 months later and the gratefuls are beginning to acknowledge the day to day things we take for granted. Suddenly the conversations around the table about each of our days have gone from a long list of complaints to a recount of the things that made the day pleasant. We've begun hearing about supportive friends and co-workers. We've started sharing the funny little "guess what happened today" moments. The Gratitude Project is making a difference. We are talking about what we'd like our lives to be and how we are going to help each other create moments to be grateful for. That's a change for the best.

We all still have bad days, that's life. We still have days when we get "NOTHING!" answers. We still have days when we'd like to skip the exercise altogether. There are still dinners that get served with a heaping side of heartburn washed down with some tears. There are days when I'd really like to take a T.V. dinner out to the garage. We are still 5 people after all, taking up each others time and using up one another's oxygen. We are still two pain in the butt parents, two angst filled teenagers and a rambunctious boy at heart. There are some things you can't change and things you wouldn't want to.



I'll take this...We're getting closer!