Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Motherload of Questions

Ever get one of those 1 million questions about me chain messages on facebook?

I wondered today what the Q&A would look like if my kids created the questions. It would have a theme, the theme would be....

Questions my kids ask that I don't want, or rather don't know how, to answer effectively without my ignorance showing, or offering incriminating knowledge to be used at a later date against me by a teenager hell bent on getting their own way.

Why is the sky blue? because the grass already has green.
How many cookies can I have? one.
How many cookies did you have? 2 less than Daddy
How many did Daddy have? cookies?
No girlfriends, how many? more than he needed too.
How many did you have? girlfriends? none
No, boyfriends. How many? as many as it took to learn what I didn't want.
When did you start dating boys? 2 years before grandpa said I could
When can I start dating? 2 years after Grandpa says you can
Did you ever want to leave Daddy? once in a hardware store.
When did you have s-e-x? After I filled the prescription.
No how old were you? 10 years younger than grandpa wanted me to be.
No really, how old were you? old enough to know better.
You're not going to answer this question are you? nope.
Did you do drugs? no, do you do drugs?
How old were you when you moved out? the first time?
Did you ever steal anything? you're Father's go tell him that, he needs a laugh
You think you are pretty clever don't you? I used to before I had kids.
Were you good in school? average
How many classes did you skip in highschool? none, we called it baggin.
So how many classes did you 'bag'? not as many as your father.
Did you fail any classes? gym
How do you fail gym? baggin
Why would you bag gym? I couldn't run because I smoked too much
You smoked? not as much as your father.
How old were you when you started smoking? don't say older than your father. 14
Did Nanny know? when her cigarettes started disappearing.
Did she get mad? yes, cigarettes were expensive.
No,was she mad you smoked? not as mad as when I cracked the car.
You smashed the car? Not really I smashed a curb.
Bad? the curb was okay, the car needed a new wheel
Was Papa mad? only because I lost the hubcap
Were you drunk? when?
When you cracked the car? no
How'd you crack the car then? it was slippery
So you weren't drinking at the time? no
Did you ever drink? I'd like one now
No, back then? no
Really? yes
Yes, you didn't drink? right
Wait, I'm confused, you did or you didn't? exactly
You're not going to give me a straight answer are you? no but your father might
Did you ever get in a fight? once.
Who won? not me.
Were you drunk? no
Did you ever sneak out of the house? not if I wanted to keep living there.
What would you do if I snuck out of the house? try it find out.
Would you kill me? no the rest of the family needs me I can't afford jail time.
Have you been in jail? no
Juvenile detention? no
School detention? no
Really? no.
Which one? school detention.
So you never been in jail? no
What did you do for fun? read and knit.
Really? sometimes
Ever want to drop out of school? not as badly as your Dad
Why didn't you? because Nanny would have killed me, I don't think jail scared her.
What about Dad? what about him?
Did he drop out? no.
Why not? I think Grandma almost did kill him.
What would you do if I dropped out? buy you a can opener.
A can opener? yes for the cat food.
Ever have a boyfriend Nanny didn't know about? sure
Ever want to runaway? no, only to things
Ever had your heart broken? of course
Did you think you would never be happy again? I was wrong
What made you happy again? my friends
Who was your best friend? your Dad
Why did you marry your best friend? who else should you marry?
Were your parents happy about it? I was happy about it
How old were you when you got pregnant? 25
What would you do if I got pregnant? didn't we cover this?
No, what would you do? restrain your father.
Really? no
What would you do? buy you a stroller
A stroller? yes so you can get to daycare and school and your future.
You think you're pretty clever don't you? we covered that
When did you become an adult? when I stopped relying on my mother.
When was that? 10 years later that she was hoping for
Can I ask you anything? I hope you do
Why is the sky really blue? I don't know

A little creative answering will get you only so far. Eventually you have to be honest.