Happy Birthday to Me

This is me in my last frontal nudity shot

Forty two, that is how old I am today. My kids think I am ancient my friends think I've still got a ways to go.  I think that for the first time ever in 42 year I am exactly where I want to be.

That is a very strange feeling best explained perhaps by how I used to feel. I used to feel like I was never going to grow up, that I was never going to grasp the responsibilities and nuances of adulthood. I harboured an innate understanding that I was not real in my life. That my friends and family were doing 'grown up' with a capability that I simply did not process. Even standing in the middle of my own living room surrounded by my life, home, furnishings, bills, husband and kids tugging at my pant legs I always held the feeling inside that I was an impostor, a little kid playing grown-up. Feeling like somebody else was surly better suited for the job. I have spent a great deal of my adult life wondering when I was going to grow up.

I wondered  a lot about those women who walk with great confidence and reach out to people they know and strangers alike. What did their parents do to instill such poise and command in them and how can I teach that to my own children. I want them to grow up to be those people comfortable enough in their own skin to wear their hearts on the outside regardless of the opinion of others. I want to be that person. I have spend 42 years wondering if that will ever be me, if I will ever be comfortable, confident and unafraid. How long does it take to develop an appreciation of yourself?

It has taken me 42 years.

To arrive at that place I thought belonged to everybody else, I am finally feeling empowered and deserving of the life other grown ups are enjoying. I am growing faith in a place where fear used to be, understanding where there was only inadequacy and sharing my joy outwardly instead of believing that I am not big enough to make a difference in the world.

I am going to celebrate my birthday today for the first time ever. It took some time, 42 years to be exact but I made it  to my own party. Pour me a drink and turn up the music this is going to be fun.

...and I know what to say to my kids now... Be patient.

Have a happy Friday everyone! Gratitude, Hope and Smiles are meant to be shared,
Michelle

Happy Women's Day - A Question

Happy International Women's Day!

This is a day for all women - not just the famous or the oppressed, not only the ones who make a grand difference but also the women who make an everyday one. This is a day to appreciate the women who have led us here and the leadership role we hold for the women coming up behind us. This is a day to recognise the ability we have to affect change in our world.

This is a day to consider the woman you aspire to be, because that is a unique trait of women, we are continually aspiring to 'be'.

In celebration of International Woman's Day I want to ask...Who is the woman you aspire to be?

Michelle

A Milestone for KJ...and for Mom

KJ graduated from grade 8 on Thursday or rather I should say she graduated to highschool. Entering Highschool and enjoying the freedom and Independence it promises has been a driving force for KJ especially during those arduous math classes.

In preparation for Graduation (here on referred to as "the Event") KJ and I skipped off school and work last Friday for a day at the mall. Did I say mall, as in singular? I misspoke. I should have said 'every single retail establishment within 100 km of our home!' We searched for a dress, found a dress then searched every other location for said dress in the correct size, settled for a very beautiful dress, ate lunch (do mall fries count as lunch?) searched for shoes, searched for shoes, and searched for shoes, we found shoes, we thanked the nice lady for ringing us through after the store closing. We arrived home just before 10pm where the rest of life was waiting to be cared for. I was proud that I had survived 12 hours of shopping without a single tantrum! (KJ was pleased too, those moments are so embarrassing for her.)

Event shopping complete, KJ packed her bags and was off to Ottawa for 3 days for some year end celebration and relaxing with her classmates. Those poor teachers returned visibly exhausted! That made "the Event," on the day following their return, easy I would imagine. A little fuel to get these kids out of their hair for good!

KJ with big sis Lula and Little Bro E-man

Event day arrived and KJ had the entire afternoon to prepare. She painted her nails and arranged for her cousin to pop by to curl up her hair. She was beautiful and ready on time (strange for a kid who is perpetually late for everything) I finished pressing her dress and helped her with her final details, then she was off to to school with her BFF. Giving me time to get ready myself.

Before she left she leaned in close to me and said "Promise you won't cry." she remembers Lula's Event, at which I was crying. KJ is not big on public displays of emotion, so I promised. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage it... but it was important to her, so I promised.

I did really well. I watched with dry eyes as the kids entered to gymnasium. Although when the procession music started our entire row looked directly at me and I heard Lula inquire "Is she crying yet?"  I listened with dry eyes as various teachers gave speeches on the accomplishments of the graduating class and the promise of their exciting futures. A sideways glance from Mike every once in a while to check on my progress. I was surprising everyone, mostly myself actually!

KJ & Dad

Then they started recognising students for special achievements. They began calling to the stage, the 10 students being honored with the Citizenship Award and there was my KJ's name! I looked at Mike (which I shouldn't have done.) his eyes reflected what I felt in my heart...Tremendous pride! I choked a little there but I quickly regained my composure. Reminding myself that if my daughter can demonstrate excellence in upholding the four pillars of Citizenship; Respect, Leadership, Academics and Teamwork, I could find the strength to suppress my emotions as requested. I did it! It was not easy, that was a curve ball neither one of us knew was coming!

I held it together while she crossed the stage later in the ceremony to collect her diploma and I held it together through the video highlight montage. I successfully exited the gymnasium with my kleenex still tucked carefully, accessibly and dry in my pocket.

Outside we located KJ and I hugged her, congratulated her and told her how proud I am. I did it all and a tear never escaped my eye!

We left her at the school for her dance as we returned home, a heart filled with pride and a head filled with the intense inter cranial pressure of uncried tears.

So I did well, better than I imagined actually. I've managed to write this entire post with only 1 box of tissues!

Mom & Dad with the Graduate!

Spend some moment everyday in reflection of gratitude and happiness. Even if the time found is standing in line for coffee...use is wisely.


Michelle


Did this post brighten your day? make you smile? If so I'd be ever so grateful if you shared it on Facebook or Twitter. Someone else might be in need of a smile - Thanks!

How My Kids Ended Up With the World's Greatest Mom.

Remember last month when we celebrated ILYFD? If you missed this post and are feeling utterly in the dark, you can read Happy ILYFD

This month we celebrate Father's Day, the real deal. There will be no attempts to morph Father's Day into something more pleasant, in my opinion there's not much need. My kids have an amazing father. I say that rather boastfully and without shame for doing so. Michael is a great dad! He takes the responsibility of being a dad very seriously with a hands on - heart in approach. His devotion to parenting has taught the kids that they can come to him for help and healing.

Mike's passion for his job as father,  is also how my kids ended up with The World's Greatest Mom.

Just take a look....

I get to talk to our teenage girls about hair and makeup and music because Mike is not afraid to talk to them about their relationships, drugs, sexuality and commitments to work and school. He is willing to go to the mall and hold purses and shopping bags while the girls try things on and change their minds and ask his opinion.

E-man and I are able to work on talent show projects and play in the kitchen because Mike helps him tackle his homework and clean up his room. I get to cheer like a hockey mom for bicycle and skateboard tricks because Mike has instilled a sense of confidence in E-man and a sense of 'don't panic, everything will be okay' in me.

I get to be patient because Mike takes kids to the park and fishing, out for road hockey and ice cream; leaving me with some solitude to recharge my batteries, pamper my spirit or wash the floors.

My children think I am funny. Mostly because Mike never fails to make light of my absurdity, which is actually okay with my. I've learned that life floats along a lot easier if you don't take yourself too seriously.

Everyday I am able to encourage our kids to pursue what makes them happy because Mike believes that you will always get what you need but nothing is as valuable as your happiness.

Mike is a master of creative discipline, employing cleaver tactics like the famous Darth Vader Time-Out and a household favourite; the Les Nesman Door (the LND deserves its very own post one day. For now let's just say that knocking on the place where a door used to be is a very effective strategy for halting repetitive door slam) As a result of Mike's creative approach, I spend a lot of time granting permission for activities and adventures and not much time negotiating with grounded kids.

Perhaps the single greatest thing Mike does to make me look like the World's Greatest Mom is to treat me like I am. He loves me the way he wants our children to love each other. He respects me with the same level of respect he expects from and gives to our children. He allows me to put our family first above everything else because he does the same.

So today we are celebrating Father's Day because anybody who works this hard to make me look this good deserves a holiday in their honor!

Spend some moment everyday in reflection of gratitude and happiness. Even if the time found is standing in line for coffee...use is wisely.


Michelle


Did this post brighten your day? make you smile? If so I'd be ever so grateful if you shared it on Facebook or Twitter. Someone else might be in need of a smile - Thanks!

Spread the Word!

June 7 is National Chocolate Ice Cream Day!

Need I say more?

Happy ILYFD

A couple of post absent days around here, I do apologize my mind has been preoccupied with the eventuality that is Mother's Day. (A few extra days of "Your Turn @ the Table" seems to have been okay though. I've enjoyed reading your gratitudes.)

Truthfully every time I thought about writing in the last couple of days I've been struck with the same question; how? Mother's Day is coming and how am I going to write that post? How am I going to string lines together that don't sound incredibly ungrateful? I should probably just get this line off my chest in the interest of the 'how'; I hate Mother's Day. (If you read this you will understand that I am not fooling around).

So I'm not doing it! That's right, I'm stomping my feet and have my arms crossed firmly over my chest and yes, I am pouting! I'm not doing it. I will not be made to feel guilty because I can't love my mother well enough, I will not feel bad because I'm doing laundry or refereeing a domestic. I won't be made to feel inferior because I'm just a regular mom not some super mom like those featured in magazines and news stories. I don't want to celebrate an observance that brings sadness to so many of my friends who are missing their mothers. I won't and Hallmark can't make me!

Instead I present another option for the 1st Sunday in May. International Love Your Family Day. Okay it might not catch on Internationally but go big or go home I say. I suspect from conversations that a strong following of mothers who would rather celebrate anything but Mother's Day is waiting for something better. The switch might actually have a chance.

So here goes. My post for ILYFD.... My family and a snippet of what I love about them!

In order of appearance

Michael
Does an amazing job of manifesting his life. Reminds me everyday through laughter and gratitude that it's all about the journey.  Has an incredible talent for faith, justice, laundry and dishes ...XOXO

Lula
My beautiful 'do it all' who approaches life with an 'all in' attitude. Full of compassion and a sense of humour that never fails to catch me off guard. Amazingly talented in the realms of art, love and make-up...XOXO

KJ
My gorgeous young lady with wisdom beyond her years, snaps me back to reality with  logical humor. Strong, capable and always thinking. Displaying incredible talent in the pursuits of creative expression, friendship and nail art....XOXO

E-man
My handsome man with the plan. All boy, full of adventure, gross humor and bruises. A math-magician with exceptional talents in snuggling, thoughtfulness and trickmastering anything with wheels...XOXO

 

I hope you enjoy International Love Your Family Day. If you are a mother who suffers emotional turmoil on the 1st Sunday in May please feel free to take up the challenge spread the word, twist the sentiment of the day and share the love of your family.

Heaps of gratitude today for the privilege of having an amazing family to spend my mothering on. Fantastic kids who display endless reasons to wear my title with pride and a loving man who wears his Father, Husband (and occasionally the Mother hat too) better than any I've seen.

Happy ILYFD...how are you celebrating?


Spend some moment everyday in reflection of gratitude and happiness. Even if the time found is standing in line for coffee...use is wisely.


Michelle


Did this post brighten your day? make you smile? If so I'd be ever so grateful if you shared it on Facebook or Twitter. Someone else might be in need of a smile - Thanks!

A Celebration a Cause for Question

I woke up this morning in a bit of a funk. Funk and Mom never pair well and I feel an unparalleled level of guilt with today being Easter. Easter is perhaps the catalyst for my mood actually. I am always torn and guilt ridden in the face of religious custom. I grew up in a moderately religious home, the kind where we said grace and bedtime prayers and put on our Sunday clothes once a week. We looked good going to church, just like the sketch on the front of my children's prayer book. Looks aren't everything though and I grew into an adult more concerned with how I felt on the inside rather than how I looked to the outside world. I abandoned (that word seems extreme) organized religion. That is not to say that I am no longer religious I simply believe that the teachings and principals should be a way you live not something you demonstrate.

Michael's religious upbringing consisted of jumping on the Sunday school bus 3 times to help a buddy win a bike. He grew into a man who realised that something is fundamentally missing from a life lived without the presence of a higher power.

This hangs by our front door. Little rules to life.

So we don't go to church. We home-school our family in religion, our take on it anyway. A hybrid of the religious teachings from my childhood coupled with a modernized approach to living a life of grace, respect and compassion for the people we share life with. It's difficult to put into words exactly, perhaps a photo does it better.

This is how we do it and I sleep well at night, I feel fulfilled with my life each day and I am confident that our children are growing up to be respectful compassionate citizens who appreciate that life is about the 'who' not the 'what', the 'why' not the 'how.'  Then a major religious holiday like Christmas or Easter hits and I am derailed by guilt. Should I be going to church? Am I doing a huge disservice to my children by not exposing them to organized religion? Would we be a family of more well rounded people if we participated in ceremony? Am I doing enough to teach them the biblical stories behind the holidays we celebrate?

Couple religious guilt with the tumultuous currents in our extended family relationships and today was a day I wanted to bury face and sleep through. I don't, after all, do drama well. I believe in telling it like I see it brutal honestly and it's not received very well, to put in polite terms. So today, in the interest of peace and doing something kind and helpful for at least one person, we are abstaining from the usual family gathering.

We are looking forward instead to a casual dinner with friends, centered around children and family. We will guild the day in chocolate and wash it down with a glass of wine and before I go to sleep tonight I will say a prayer of gratitude. Gratitude for the promise of Easter. Gratitude that if I am doing life all wrong, there is forgiveness granted through the sacrifice of My Father's Son.

Egg-cellent Day!

Easter is, apart from being a religiously significant observance, 2/3 tradition, 1/3 chocolate.

Ok, I acknowledge the bad pun for today's post title and I promise it's the first and last one you will read. There is no denying the fact (despite the pun) that it has indeed been an excellent day. A day rich in traditions, of which, most have involved eggs, and well, egg puns are just too easy.

I've been baking egg laden Portuguese sweet bread, a nod to the traditions my stepfather brings to our family. Also in the works are Hotcross Buns, a traditional Easter treat from my childhood. Tonight the Easter Bunny will stop by and hide colourful eggs about the house.

Of course Egg colouring was high on the to-do list today as well.

I impressed myself today with my egg boiling prowess. I have developed an almost fool proof method over the years, through experience and hours of food network training. I don't think however that I have ever managed, as I did this morning, to boil and entire pot of eggs without a single cracked shell. (I hope they are cooked inside.)

Egg colouring is an activity enjoyed by everyone in our home, big kids and bigger ones alike. Does anyone every really reach an age when they aren't interested painting eggs? My grandfather coloured eggs well into his 70's. Easter eggs from Grandpa were like gems. His tradition was to dye them with onion skins. He would wrap the eggs in the skins and place them on to boil. When the eggs cooled, they were stained the colour of tobacco in a lacy marbled pattern. My mother continues the tradition now for her grand kids and when I see those mottled jewels resting in the old wooden Easter bowl, my mind travels instantly to the fabulous moments spent with my grandpa.

The day will come I suppose when I will take up the tradition of wowing my grand kids with magically painted eggs. For now we subscribe to the newspaper covered table, food colouring and water filled expendable container method.

Having formal colour theory training behind me, I prepare 4 colours, knowing that you can make every colour from the primaries; red, blue and yellow. I also know that I've been trying for 26 years to convince Michael that green is NOT a primary colour.

Traditionally everybody gets the same number of eggs. Traditionally the following will also happen...

• Everyone will want to use blue first
• Someone will get creative and introduce crayons
• Someone (usually KJ) will leave their egg to 'soak' thereby preventing everyone else from using that colour
• We will end up with at least 1 brown egg (that's what happens when you mix all the primary colours) Brown eggs I can buy at the store, if that's what they want, why trouble ourselves.
• Mom will be left with the mess.

I expected all of the above...it's tradition. I did not however expect that left unattended, my children would attempt to dye their noses.(Lord help me, I thought each generation was smarter than the last.) Insert exasperated *sigh* I'll expect it every year from now on. Lou will be coming home from her date soon and I promise you that as soon as she finshes dying her eggs someone will tell her she has to dye her nose too!

A red nose, a blue nose and a black eye.
Why don't we have recent family photos you ask?

Thats' how dumb traditions take root...momentary acts of stupidity. Thats' how the "smash an egg on your neighbours head" thing got going. This tradition was passed to our family via my father. When we were kids my father delighted in luring us over in the guise of a hug or chocolate treat, only to whack a hard boiled Easter egg against our cranium. This was always followed with "Can you get me the salt please?" and he would laugh like only a father can. As we got older the game changed. We began sneaking up on one another, everyone was fair game. It became the 'thwack' and run tradition. I was a very good 'thwaker' but I was an even better target.

I remember when I first shared this tradition with my kids. I wish I had been thinking clearly and strategically at the time. I would have modified the tradition. Instead of retelling it like it was, I should have said...

"...and we would see who could smash the most eggs on Daddy's head."

If I had said that, if I had been thinking, I would have had the upper-hand before the tradition took hold in our home.

Gratitude today for the 'stuff' that creates family tradition and gratitude for getting that pun out of my system.

HAPPY EASTER!


Spend some moment everyday in reflection of gratitude and happiness. Even if the time found is standing in line for coffee...use is wisely.


Michelle


Did this post brighten your day? make you smile? If so I'd be ever so grateful if you shared it on Facebook or Twitter. Someone else might be in need of a smile - Thanks!

Pancakes Save the Day!

Can there be a better day than one that ends with eating pancakes for supper? I think not!

When I was reminded by a friend this morning that today was Pancake Tuesday my mood immediately brightened. I savoured that tidbit like a buttery, syrup soaked, hot off the griddle delicacy. I decided to share my joy. I wished people in my path a "Happy Pancake Day" and each time you could see the spark light in their eyes.

Suddenly a regular Tuesday filled with dentist appointments, flashing gas tanks, and traffic jams took on a new light. The mood of those around me brightened too and I was surrounded by people in good humor. All of us united in the prospect of the humble pancake to get us through whatever challenges lay in our paths.

My kids were happy for Pancake Tuesday as well. After the ritual argument over flipping rights, we gathered at the table with a fresh bottle of syrup and smiles on our hearts. I watched with delight, as the kids drowned their stacks in copious amounts of syrup. The gratitudes tonight flowed like pancake syrup too.

Now everyone has been directed to brush twice and floss and rinse because it might be Pancake Tuesday but it was also Dentist day and we have a few too many cavities for my liking!

Celebrating I.I.Y.D.

I'm home today. Squeezed into an 18" section of the couch. The remainder of the space occupied by a fevered 9 year old huddled under a Pittsburgh Penguins blanket.

18" is just enough room to stick my legs out straight to rest them on the coffee table and balance my computer on my lap. I started out by checking my e-mail and sending an update to my boss on E-man's condition, (thanking him profusely for being a parent too and a truly compassionate human being willing to let me work from home for a second day.)

E-mails done and work arranged, I moved on to update myself on the world beyond my cushion with a stop on facebook.  Not much changes. So and so is still sick of work, blah, blah, blah, everyone's horoscopes have been updated, fortune cookies delivered, KJ spent a great deal of time on quizzes last night (I hope some were homework related) it's sunny in Mexico and family in Australia have escaped the worst of the quakes. My cards are pointing at love today and spending time with a close relation. That card app is so accurate...the only time E-man was closer to me was that 9 month stint we spent together before he was born.
Facebook never fails to disappoint me, none the less I feel compelled to update my status "working from home again today"

The girls have left for school, the TV is stuck on some newage japanamation cartoon that I clearly do not understand but can't change because the converter is just beyond my reach. Within my reach however is what remains of my 6am coffee, it's cold and gross and I keep shifting my gaze from the cup to the converter hoping by some telekinetic phenomenon to transpose their positions.

I surf a little, looking for somewhere for my mind to wander. I check the weather, the news, I look for new and great quotes to savour. Then I remember "International Chocolate Cake Day" (If you missed it check the post "Eat Your Gratitude" ) Maybe, just maybe, there is some international event worth acknowledging and celebrating today. If so, the next 45 minutes of confinement could be used to wish everyone on my friends list and contacts list and very "happy wear brand new socks day" or "best wishes for merry grapefruit day." What a great idea, clearly confinement brings out my resourceful nature.

Do you know what I discovered?....Today is "International Inconvenience Yourself Day." I kid you not, I couldn't make that up.

I look around me, satisfied that I am doing a bang up job of celebrating an observance I wasn't even aware existed. 

K.I.S.S.

"If the only grateful you have today is that you love or are loved, that is enough."