The call came in around 6:15 last night, a tired voice on
the other end of the phone whispered “We’re back, can you please come pick me
up?”
I was excited to have my girl home. I arrived to the school
within a few short minutes and was greeted by a group of weary and trudging
teens who, without exception, were zapped. The hands unloading the travel van
of expedition gear were not moving quite as quickly and enthusiastically as the
ones which had loaded it 3 days earlier at the crack of dawn. There were still
smiles on some faces though; mostly the grown-up faces, the teachers and the
chaperones who survived two separate 3 day expeditions to Algonquin Park and
about 60 teenage charges. Thought bubbles floating above their heads I imagined
said things like ‘beer’, ‘shower’, and ‘investigate permanent contraceptive
options’.
A parent of teenagers understands one cardinal rule: Stay in the car. I decided however that
this was the one exception to the rule, today Kate would be happy to see me
sooner than later. Physically and emotional exhausted kids love their moms even
in a sea of peers, parental rule #2 Seize
your opportunity! So I got out of
the car and waited on the edge of the crowd.
I recognized many of the kids and welcomed them home—“Did
you have fun?” Every single one answered
“Yah, it was great!” followed up with glazed over exhausted smiles. Then Kate
came into view, bag in hand and moving just enough to propel her body forward.
I asked the same question—“Did you have fun?” half expecting
the same “Yah, it was great!” answer and half expecting the “No, it was
stupid.” answer I got. (for the record
everything is stupid right now, has been for about 3 weeks – I can’t wait until
stupid is over)
Parental guideline #3 encourages parents to shut up when
‘stupid’ things happen and let the details emerge in their own time. I smiled (mostly
quietly) and loaded bags into the car. All the while wondering how every kid I
asked had fun except mine; was I the Debbie-Downer’s mom?
The details did, as I expected, begin to emerge. There was
bad weather – rain, thunderstorms and strong winds. The bug populous outranked
human representation 3 zillion to one and was impervious to every cocktail of
repellents. There was drama of the Boyfriend/girlfriend variety among some of
the campers. Kate was up the entire last night of their voyage nursing/comforting
her tent-mate who was upchucking from dusk till dawn (without even a good
‘tied-one-on’ story to minimize the trial of this circumstance-it was the flu).There
is little wonder she was cranky, exhausted and starving. Did you know that the
diet of wilderness camping, to accommodate canoe loads and ease of portaging,
consists primarily of dried fruit, nuts and seeds? Coincidently these are also
the top three items a person with braces cannot eat with any success.
Apparently wilderness campers do not get braces or people with braces do not
wilderness camp for fear of starvation.
As I listened to her adventure unfold over the next several
hours the ‘It was great’ bits began
emerging, much to my relief. I was sad to think that all of Kate’s preparation,
excitement and anticipation for the trip had been a waste; to hear that it
wasn’t all bad warmed my heart. It
warmed my heart a little too that her initial response to my “Did you have
fun?” question was so honest and forthright. By all accounts her trip was
miserable. No less miserable than it had been for the girl who said “Yah, it
was great” but was actually throwing up for 90% of the excursion. No less miserable
than it was for the girl who said “Yah, it was great.” but spent the days
preoccupied in a lovers quarrel. No less miserable for that girl’s boyfriend
either I would guess. By Kate’s account
those campers were miserable from start to finish and I felt bad for them that
they felt compelled to disguise their discontent with a less than honest reply.
It’s funny that we do this; say what we think people want to
hear rather than say how we actually feel even when there is no danger of
hurting the question asker’s feelings. I wonder if it makes us feel better or
worse about our experience. According to my recent read The Antidote –by Oliver Burkeman, our ability to honestly confront
our less than ideal outcomes and failures actually helps improve our
appreciation of them. I think this could very likely be accurate. As Kate
relived all the ‘stupid-ness’ of her adventure it seemed to become less stupid
and more adventure.
When my kids go away on one of these types of adventures I
always wonder what their/our lesson will be. This has been a great one—it would
have been so easy for Kate’s experience to remain a bad memory. There is a
sticking point between acknowledging the misery and moving past it to identify
the good bits. You can see people get trapped every day in this pit, clinging
to miserable events and memories. It seems so much easier to recount our despair
or pretend it doesn’t exist with a “Yah, it was great.” than to work our way
through it to a place where our adventure can be appreciated from both ends of
the spectrum, as a complete experience where the bad illuminates the good more
intensely. I am very proud of Kate for completing the process—for learning
something more important than how to make a fire in a thunderstorm, for
learning how to make a memory if not great at least salvageable.
We’ll see what Ethan’s lesson is for us when he returns from
his camping expedition on Friday night….I can hardly wait!
Camp On!
Love
M
