Ordinarily when I talk about the power of
silence I am usually referring to the quiet of meditation and the silence of
inner peace. I’m talking about quieting your mind and giving yourself
permission to examine your problems and listen for the creative solutions that
reside within. I’m usually talking about being quiet so that we can contemplate
and appreciate the many blessings in our lives, allowing ourselves the reverent
time to appreciate how they enrich us; to gaze inwardly and allow ourselves the
opportunity to be in awe.
There is however another type of silence
that is vitally important to our own wellbeing, our relationships, our success
and our happiness; the silence of shutting up.
I’m sorry was that rude?
Shall I rephrase that?—the silence of ‘say
nothing’. I like to say the silence of
shutting up because when I fail that’s what I hear “shut-up.” Not in a mean
hurtful tone, not in a strong voice or volume, usually it’s a long drawn out “ssshuuuuuut
uuuup” followed by a frozen stare (cue visual of Bert over the tipping point
with Ernie). Usually it’s one of my kids staring, usually I get the point.
Usually it’s a really good reminder that I’m hindering their process, getting
in the way of their ability to be ‘inside’ examining their problems and
listening to their own soul for creative solutions.
We do this as parents, or at least I do as
a mom. We are the perfect tool for our children! We have wisdom of age, tried a
tested solutions, we can see consequences a mile away and know exactly the
right page to reference in the ‘Been There, Done That’ field guide to predict
the best course of action in any given circumstance. And it frustrates us that
our children don’t utilize us more. It is agonizing to watch them try and fail,
to make wrong choices, to set themselves back or head down a difficult path; especially
when our experience could save them so much trouble and heartache. So we talk,
we offer advice, we tell them how it is. We try, out of the love, to be helpful
and supportive and we drive them crazy.
I am sure that children in fact must feel
an awful lot like my husband trying to decide what he wants at the drive thru
window while everyone else in the car is trying to give him their order—Crazy.
I was reflecting just yesterday on how
grateful I am to have learned the value of ‘shutting-up’, the importance of trusting
that my kids have the ability to make their own way in life. I was reflecting on the notion that personal failure is okay,
that children have answers and that they will feel more confident in their
decisions, solutions and efforts if they come to them from their own silence
and reflection.
From my quiet little spot on the curb
behind a hockey arena yesterday I reflected upon the knowledge
that the only words my kids ever really
need from me are “I’m here” and that my ears are of far greater value than my
words.
There staring at an empty parking lot,
listening to highway traffic whizzing by just beyond a thicket of brush, there
with my legs crossed and the building to my back I felt a deep sense of
gratitude that my son has the courage to tell me to “ssshuuuuuut uuuup.”
Because sometimes I forget.
I forget that being silent can stop an
argument before it starts, it can express disappointment, it says “I’m
listening”. Silence lets someone follow their own thoughts, reveal their own
opinions; it allows space for problem solving and preparation. Silence is a
place for compassion, remorse and delight to emerge naturally. Silence, well
placed and shared can express more pride, more joy, and more sorrow than a
thousand well phrased words.
It was nice to be reminded.
Shut-up and let your kids surprise you. I guarantee they will.
...and when I went back inside I was just in time to see what Ethan did with the silence I gave him. and he did in fact surprise us all.
...and when I went back inside I was just in time to see what Ethan did with the silence I gave him. and he did in fact surprise us all.
Love,
M
