I lost my friend to
domestic violence. She was shot by her husband before he took his own
life. It happened with a child in the house, a child left to deal
with unspeakable tragedy and grief. My friend was very well educated,
she had a very good career, we lived in a nice quiet neighbourhood,
her child was well love and her home was well cared for, She was
brilliant, attractive and kind. It happened to her anyway. That is
not to say that someone of education and background is less likely to
succumb to domestic violence, it is to say that no one, no one,
escapes the possibility of it happening to them. I think sometimes
that people have this misconception that violence against women is
reserved for families struggling with financial challenges, living
below the line and in less affluent neighbourhoods. Nothing could be
further from the truth. People of all personalities weave through
every level of society.
So you may think; my
daughter is not exposed to violence in our home she would never allow
herself to be in that kind of relationship. Here is the problem
with that theory; you have no control, or idea for that matter, just
what kind of home your daughter's love interest grew up in. Maybe in
his home mom getting a punch in the face was as common as please pass
the butter. Your daughter doesn't know that either because even
people who behave badly understand that they are socially deviant, it
doesn't come up in conversation. So when your daughter receives her
first exposure to a violent outburst it is quite likely that she will
already be 'in love.' The sting will hurt worse but the apology will
be more powerful , it will come with an overwhelming desire to
rationalize in the name of preserving 'love.' There is an entire
psychology that accompanies the victim, the abuser, their
relationship and the family at large and I am not even going to
pretend to understand it but I can tell you what my friend taught
me...
The time to teach,
prevent and end violence is now, with your kids while they are
little. Teach them that it is never okay for boys to hit girls (or
for girls to hit boys, I have seen the first hand results that
violence against men exists as well). Teach them that disrespectful
language and put downs are a form of abuse. Teach them to not contend
with anyone's disrespect. Teach them how to remove themselves from
those friendships that make them uncomfortable. Really listen to them
when they express concern Do not wait until they are teenagers, by
then they are living too far socially out of your eye for you to know
exactly what is going. Talk when they are little. Demonstrate respect
in your own relationships so they have a model. Make sure they
understand that there are people they know, go to school with and buy
their bubble gum from who are not so lucky to live in a 'safe'
environment. Make it real to them when the opportunity and questions
present themselves; when they view a news report or an advertizement
on the side of a bus. Make the topic as common as how to cross the
street safely.
Most importantly build
a trusting relationship with your kids so that they can come to you
with anything, confident in knowing you will be there.
Even with all this
teaching your child could end up in a violent relationship. Know
the signs.
My friend taught me that the embarrassment of landing in a situation
you should have “known better” to avoid could cost you your life.
because you might not reach out, you might let it go too far, you
might decide and reach for help, but it might not be in time. Know
the signs and do not be afraid to ask the question “Are you being
abused?” There is a real stigma about minding your own business. If
you suspect someone is being abused in anyway; It is your
business. Say something, they will get mad, they will also get
over it. If you are wrong they will understand and appreciate your
concern, or not. If you are right and say nothing you will never
forgive yourself for remaining silent.
I could very likely
write forever, the topic wells up a deep hurt and fear in me, It
saddens me that by the time my friend reached for my hand there was
not enough time to change her fate.
So I beg you... when it
comes to domestic violence “It IS your business”
If you are in a
situation where you need help or need help to help
