Friday, June 1, 2012

Happy Birthday to Me

This is me in my last frontal nudity shot
Forty two, that is how old I am today. My kids think I am ancient my friends think I've still got a ways to go.  I think that for the first time ever in 42 year I am exactly where I want to be.

That is a very strange feeling best explained perhaps by how I used to feel. I used to feel like I was never going to grow up, that I was never going to grasp the responsibilities and nuances of adulthood. I harboured an innate understanding that I was not real in my life. That my friends and family were doing 'grown up' with a capability that I simply did not process. Even standing in the middle of my own living room surrounded by my life, home, furnishings, bills, husband and kids tugging at my pant legs I always held the feeling inside that I was an impostor, a little kid playing grown-up. Feeling like somebody else was surly better suited for the job. I have spent a great deal of my adult life wondering when I was going to grow up.

I wondered  a lot about those women who walk with great confidence and reach out to people they know and strangers alike. What did their parents do to instill such poise and command in them and how can I teach that to my own children. I want them to grow up to be those people comfortable enough in their own skin to wear their hearts on the outside regardless of the opinion of others. I want to be that person. I have spend 42 years wondering if that will ever be me, if I will ever be comfortable, confident and unafraid. How long does it take to develop an appreciation of yourself?

It has taken me 42 years.

To arrive at that place I thought belonged to everybody else, I am finally feeling empowered and deserving of the life other grown ups are enjoying. I am growing faith in a place where fear used to be, understanding where there was only inadequacy and sharing my joy outwardly instead of believing that I am not big enough to make a difference in the world.

I am going to celebrate my birthday today for the first time ever. It took some time, 42 years to be exact but I made it  to my own party. Pour me a drink and turn up the music this is going to be fun.

...and I know what to say to my kids now... Be patient.

Have a happy Friday everyone! Gratitude, Hope and Smiles are meant to be shared,